I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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