i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
