Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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