Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize