I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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