she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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