Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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