I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
