I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
