I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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