I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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