The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
