the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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