life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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