He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
