What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
