Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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