I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
