Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
