My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize