I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
