just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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