bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
