Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
