Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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