I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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