I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
