Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
