You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
