Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize