I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
