By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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