The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
