I hate your face
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
