smell my finger.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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