If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
