i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
