Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize