guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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