i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Help. Why am I so naked?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
