woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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