I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
