he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
