if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
