You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
