Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
