My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
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