hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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