Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
