I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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