So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
