wakey wakey hands off snakey
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
