also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dignity is for republicans.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize