I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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