i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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