Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
