She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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