I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
