my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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