Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
