I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
