im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
