She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
