Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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