You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Send help, water and tortillas.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
