Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
