she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
