i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize