I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
