so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
