Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
